"It is better to be a warrior in a garden, than a gardener in a war"

I am blooming more each day…

Let's try this again… I just spent 10 minutes reflecting on the above statement only for it all to disappear. Technology! I'm so proud of all that I accomplished in the first 3 months of the year. It's funny that the person I've bloomed into now would hardly recognize the bud that I was on January 1st.

In recalling all of the things I accomplished this year earlier on my Instastories, I'm now reflecting on all of the things my memory selectively didn't recall. It's funny how our memory works huh? When we admire the beauty of a bloom, rarely do we recall the digging of the dirt required to plant the seed, the daily watering and tending to the earth that is necessary to cultivate that seed… and just like that, I neglected to mention the 2 weeks of depression at the end of January and beginning of February I overcame, the winter’s chill that would threaten to erase the bliss and intentional annual January California celebration of what I now honor as the start of my necessary pruning season. The pain and the glory of it all so deeply visceral every January 18th.

I simply forgot about the job I worked for 2 weeks that I naively thought I would never have to work even as I used to pride myself in saying that “I would work at McDonald's if I had to”, I did God's work —and reminding myself of that would engulf me in the love and sacrifice that was needed to get through the not so bad 8 humbling hours a shift. Like the rain that evaporates from the soil invisible to onlookers, I forgot about the grueling 6 hours drive to and from NYC during a winter storm that made me vow never again to do that unless I was a passenger. Like the momentary seedling that forces it’s way out with determination and might, I neglected to recall that I lifted my father up all by myself (thanks to his own grit and determination) with no one to help me a few weeks ago even as new birth control wreaked havoc on my back (a job I had been told has taken 2-3 people on occasion). Like the bud that painfully unravels in what seems like a split second, I forgot that I've overcome 3 different surgeries/procedures all in the name of tending to my own internal garden…. Including one that I had today, the discharge instructions interrupted my first attempt at this journal entry at 2:45pm.

I'm reminded of the pain of betrayal that started unbeknownst to me on the morning of my birthday. Gotta start Aries season with a bang! In retrospect, I'm proud of myself for allowing my throat chakra to bloom and to not be intimidated by those who seek to steal your voice while using words like “community”, “healing”, and “energy”. For battling against those who claim to not want “erasure” while actively erasing the intention, tone, and meaning of my very voice, my very words. Hearing them as they wish and therefore not hearing them at all. For a split second, the bud in me had regrets. Did I T.H.I.N.K before I spoke? Was it true, honest, important, necessary, and kind? It was all of these things and it was authentic. In the end, we're all in some stage of bloom each day, when we trust, when we mistrust, when we're betrayed, and when we forgive. We're all fighting the sometimes violent fight to bloom and appear our best most admirable selves. For the oooos and the aaaahs…But blooms themselves are fleeting, and while pollination is a beautiful byproduct, annual or perennial, energy always reverts back to the seed, to the dirt from whence it all came. It's a violent process depending on how you look at it. Winter and mother nature's faun present formidable hazards. It's a miracle really when a seed can “make it”. Whether we subconsciously bury the memory or not, petals wither, energy must again be expended. But perhaps, it is all worth it and next spring or season, your bloom will be even bigger and more beautiful than before, if only you don't give up. Are you prepared for the next war? Or are you merely content with admiring this season’s blooms? I've learned it's the discipline in the preparation and less the motivation for the bloom that leaves the most lasting effect…and so I work out when I don't feel like it, so that I can continue to bloom through all the seasons…

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”- Anais Nin